Yesterday (18Sep2019) was a bad day so I developed a 5-step plan to end it all! All, I say! I tried to make my life better and it didn’t work, so I decided to end it. Where’s bad?
The week started out really well! After breaking my own ban against applying to any more jobs after Aug 26, I applied to more jobs. This is after the job offer I received last week. I just didn’t want to do it…the new job I mean (I feel a bit different about that now…mostly).
I say the week went well in terms of the jobbing front. Within 1 business day of applying, two companies contacted me to setup a phone screen/interview. The first company was a large biopharma so that was impressive. I felt like the talent again…you know the one they’re trying to acquire. I prepped my questions (albeit with less gusto) and it went reasonably well. I have yet to really hit these things out of the park because my answers are all copied from the internet and I can’t sell it that well. That was Monday.
Then Wednesday came. This phone interview was with a smaller company that does genetic testing… I think? And herein lies the problem. I’d seen this job months ago when I started my search. I didn’t apply because it really wasn’t what I wanted to be doing. But because applying to jobs has teetered into the realm of obsession feeding some unmet need, I applied anyway. I applied over the weekend and was contacted Monday for the phone interview. When I researched the salary, the internet said it was pretty low. Add that to the fact that it was not where I wanted to be career-wise, I did a basic prep of the same questions and gathered a few bullet points about the company. I didn’t even want to do that, but Brain told me to at least try to put my best foot forward (in all things)…and Brain was right!
However, their webpage was so cluttered, I just kind of gave up. Plus after so many of these, sometimes they don’t even ask me questions about the company…at least not the hiring manager.
Boy was I wrong. I’ve been trying to figure out my thoughts about what happened and basically they’re something like this… I wasn’t prepared to answer the questions that were asked. ..or… I got so rattled, I didn’t perform well. I hate the way it feels when people think less of me… or I perceive that they think less of me. ..or… The questions were a little ridiculous and it was infuriating not to be able to fight back. …or… I hate the way it feels when I can’t stick up for myself or when there’s an imbalance of power and I’m diminished in anyway.
What’s the point in prepping if I’m going to get rattled anyway. I just get so thrown off with the way other people talk. It’s as though we’re speaking a different language. Honestly. I use language very effectively, but corporate-speak is not like that all!
Then I went to run some errands and some other microaggression happened at my polling place (it’s early voting season!!) and at the Whole Foods and the day just spiraled from there.
Mostly though it was the tangy feeling from the interview. Brain started recalling the last time I felt like this. I remember saying I never want to feel like this again. I vowed to never interview again. To never apply for another job again. I would just put my head down and continue the grind (at my last job).
April 30, 2019, 4:40am I’M NEVER INTERVIEWING FOR ANOTHER JOB AGAIN.
The April 2019 instance ultimately fueled the fire for my quitting my last job.
And this was sparked by a previous internal jobbing experience in Jan 2019.
This most recent negative outcome (from just yesterday) was the final trigger I needed. My memories play back the last four years of trying to make my life better by seeking out new employment:
2016 – I applied for and failed at getting public health jobs/fellowships.
2017 – I applied for and failed at getting a job with the US government (Public Service Forgiveness loan anyone?!).
2018 – Family problems discouraged a job hunt; mostly stuck my nose to the grindstone, identified a FIRE number and tried to stick it out; near the end tried to get promoted at work.
2019 – Tried again to get promoted at work; that rejection upon rejection fueled an active job search which led to this moment.
I’m nothing if not a girl-with-a-plan. So the next time I feel like this, I know it will have a purpose. Here’s my 5-step plan to end my life. Plastic bag suffocation is way too sudden. I’m more methodical than that.
1, Apply for permit (in person/online)
2, Pick up permit
4, Target practice (at a range of course)
5, Death date
With each new trigger, I get to cross something off my list. As I said, I’m nothing if not a girl with a plan. *le sigh*
Just in case you need it: Lifeline