I got towed!
I moseyed, still eerily calm, to the towing sign to get the phone number. Since I don't have a cell phone and my emergency phone is in my car, I walked back into my apt to call from a Google app.
Two rude phone calls and a threat (from the towing company!) later, I was told my car was on its way. Yes, the towing company threatened to charge me $50 dollars extra for trying to plead my case. He states his daughter is handicapped so I was "barking up the wrong tree." Heaven forbid, a random woman should want to park on the side of my apartment building in front of vacant retail space flanked by stairs. I felt no empathy and I'm not ashamed to say it. Entitled people can be handicapped too and I can't be bothered with the flood of entitlement I have to wade through regularly.
My final prize was...
For the opportunity to have my car forcibly removed: $200
And for the privilege of having my car returned to me: $100
Total damage to my budget: $300 (all before breakfast!)
Budget category: Unexpected Expense